I'm coming to terms that a project I invested many hours into will not turn out as well as I hoped it would.
It's not bad, per se, but it doesn't feel great. And after spending so much time, care, and myself on the project, I want it to be great. But it's not going to be great.
Anyone who has a craft or a hobby knows the feeling when everything comes together. For a brief moment, there's this deep, intuitive emotion that boils up. "Just right," doesn't quite capture the feeling, but at least it tries to come close.
This project doesn't feel "just right." Far from it. I see all the flaws. I want to tear it to shreds. I want to burn it and hide the ashes. It's work that I wanted to be proud of, but just can't.
The myth in culture that "hard work pays off" is most intimately felt by serious creatives. People who try over and over again to manifest their ideas in reality must come to the terms that it might not "pay off." Dark thoughts will come.
"Maybe I'm not good enough."
"Maybe my best work is behind me."
"I'm not the right person to do this."
It's cruel that, on average, the most we can expect in life are average and mediocre results. Success is never guaranteed. And big success is rare.
All we can do is show up to every single day. To try our best. To try often. And to hope. To hope so hard it'll hurt, and know that all that hoping might not do any good anyway.